Why Not Our Families
Posted on May 19th, 2008
by 
Jennifer
Jennifer
Grief can be a tremendous trauma to our bodies, spirits, and psyches. Often our whole world is shattered. We now doubt things we never thought we would -- that "someone will be there when I grow old"; that "we have worked hard all of our lives, now we can finally spend time together"; or that "someday I will walk with my daughter on the happiest day of her life." Things we have believed all of our lives now are the very things that we question or we find do not give us support in our time of need. At a time when so much doesn't make sense, it is important to have people around who are there for us and will be compassionate, caring companions on our grief journey.
After the death of someone we love, one of our natural instincts can be to turn towards those who are closest to use for support. And sometimmes as we reach out, support is the last thing we receive. What we often find is that it's not who we thought it would be. We turn to family or our closest friends and find that we are abandoned, blamed, isolated, shamed, or avoided. And once again, everything we believed in falls apart just when we need it to be a strong foundation.
Even our most loving and loyal friends and family cannot always be there for us during our grief journey and ther are many reasons why we may have the need to seek support elsewhere. One reason that keeps those close to us from reaching out is that often they also bereaved and are grieving the loss of the person who died. Their pain can be just as all-consuming as ours and they might not be spiritually or emotionally available to us. Other times, we represent what our friends' or family's future holds -- that they too will grieve the loss of a lover, a best friend, a child, or a parent. Seeing us only reminds them of the uncertainty of their lives and the lives of those they love. Still other times, people just don't understand what to do or say to help us and it somehow "come out all wrong". Some have never experienced the death of someone close to them and may have never learned to be empathetic or compassionate around the needs of the bereft.
So how do we find support? One thing to remember is that, as the bereaved person, you are the expert on your own grief. Take the risk to tell someone what you need or what might be of comfort to you. Let those around you know that you need to talk about the person who died or about your lives together before the death. Know that even though someone loves you, they might not be the person who can listen to your stories or share your grief at this time. Remember that if you are not getting your needs met, there are people who will will there and support you during this time.
Jennifer
Namaste Consulting, Inc.
mindfullyexisting@gmail.com
After the death of someone we love, one of our natural instincts can be to turn towards those who are closest to use for support. And sometimmes as we reach out, support is the last thing we receive. What we often find is that it's not who we thought it would be. We turn to family or our closest friends and find that we are abandoned, blamed, isolated, shamed, or avoided. And once again, everything we believed in falls apart just when we need it to be a strong foundation.
Even our most loving and loyal friends and family cannot always be there for us during our grief journey and ther are many reasons why we may have the need to seek support elsewhere. One reason that keeps those close to us from reaching out is that often they also bereaved and are grieving the loss of the person who died. Their pain can be just as all-consuming as ours and they might not be spiritually or emotionally available to us. Other times, we represent what our friends' or family's future holds -- that they too will grieve the loss of a lover, a best friend, a child, or a parent. Seeing us only reminds them of the uncertainty of their lives and the lives of those they love. Still other times, people just don't understand what to do or say to help us and it somehow "come out all wrong". Some have never experienced the death of someone close to them and may have never learned to be empathetic or compassionate around the needs of the bereft.
So how do we find support? One thing to remember is that, as the bereaved person, you are the expert on your own grief. Take the risk to tell someone what you need or what might be of comfort to you. Let those around you know that you need to talk about the person who died or about your lives together before the death. Know that even though someone loves you, they might not be the person who can listen to your stories or share your grief at this time. Remember that if you are not getting your needs met, there are people who will will there and support you during this time.
Jennifer
Namaste Consulting, Inc.
mindfullyexisting@gmail.com
Access: PublicTagged with: love, death, grief, compassion, friends, family, disappointment, best friend, child, growing older, emotions, spirituality
best friend
August 2008 
Jennifer,
Thank you for these words so insightfully written.
I do wonder though, if you as a 'grief professional', see that loss of somebody in your life can be as profound even if they haven't died (ie in the loss of a loved one through break-up divorice)? For me the loss of my former sig other seems more profound than the numerous losses of those close that I felt through their actual deaths. I seemed to be able to grieve their loss as I knew they were gone on the physical plane. I lost him, our home, our dream, his family and friends, etc. I seem to continue suffering the loss of my sig other over and over as I know that he still exists in our home living with our dream with a new lady in his life that didn't put a single ounce of blood, sweat or tears into our dream/life. I don't blame her. It just makes me sad to think I got it all taken away after years of love with my heart/soul that I poured in… and that she got it all on a silver platter without any effort. I want it all back, yet know that will never be a reality. I miss him and it all soooo much. I don't know how to let it all go though. Any advice?
Great question Nichol.
I guess I am going to answer as a woman and a grief professional to be truthful. I have found that with the loss of a relationship due to a choice being made, (a break up, divorce, etc), there are very different dynamics that come in to play than when someone dies.
When my brother died, I didn't feel like he abandoned me or chose someone else… he allowed himself to stop fighting his illness and die peacefully with my parents at his bed side. My grandfather's intention wasn't to abandon me though I thought the world had ended when I was 16 and he was the most important person in my life. And I was honored when my best friend and mentor died because she had taught me everything I knew to carry on her work and blend it with my life's goals.
But I have been through 2 relationships in the past 4 years that have been a totally different kind of loss… I was the one who ended both relationships – but there were feelings of guilt – like I couldn't put that person higher on my list of priorities, that some how I wasn't capable of being with someone and being able to achieve everything I wanted. I felt like okay, two “great, spiritual” men, I might as well forget it. At this age, why bother. Maybe I am too set in my ways? What's wrong with me?With one, I felt utterly betrayed that I had stood by him throughout an illness and that didn't seem to matter to him. He would rather have someone who he could save rather than someone who wasn't afraid to love him, even if it meant I might only be with him a short amount of time.
I had a deep yearning to connect even though I was hurt and I walked away to take care of myself. You can't turn around when someone dies… you don't have that choice. If someone leaves you and they are still alive, that's REALLY personal… it was a choice to leave the situation the two of you had created.
But I have to say that in all the years of my work, grief is grief. A grieving mother will tell you there is no greater loss because she's not supposed to bury a child. A young widower will be angry because he didn't plan to be a single dad. A child who loses the most important person in their life becomes concerned that others will die. A person who loses a friend loses a part of them and the most meaningful realtionship they could have created. When there is some sort of separation, that person also feels like no one else could possibly understand the pain of rejection and knowing that the choice was made to end the relationship.
No loss is easy and it is so difficult for one reason because we attribute our sense of meaning and purpose from the roles we play in other people's lives and vice versa. We are attached and we become bereft… someone is ripped away from us… It hurts because we knew who we were with that person. Without that person, who the heck am I? Did I lose friends when he or she left? What were the reasons for the separation, etc. And I think it hurts even more when we have put all of our “eggs” in one basket and have let one person become our whole life instead of leading a balanced life with having a partner, friends, family, confidents, mentors, etc.
I wish I had a wise answer for you, but I don't. I have worked with people who have losses that occur with the death of a person but my expertise is when a death has occured. In my own life, I struggle to find the meaning and purpose in the events, why did we come into each other's lives, what did we learn from one another, has that lesson been learned and it is time to end? I see relationships and any kind of loss as a spiritual lesson.
I'd love to hear from anyone who has other ideas, who has worked with families splitting up, divorce, partners separating, etc. Or Nichol if you have further thoughts.
I do have to tell you though that being a person who has lost is why I am a “grief professional”… I do it because someone was there to stand by me in my pain and I feel like it is a calling to do the same… to hold space so that a person can allow the pain to come up and deal with it, and heal. I have lost a long line of people to death, but after living in 6 states in 17 years, I have had to say goodbye to boyfriends, best friends, mentors, and people who I chose to be my family….
I wish you ease, gentleness, and someone to hold the space for you to explore and heal.
Peace, Jennifer
Nichol, I wish you peace, once you have paid tribute to all you have so lovingly given, and that all of this pain has been honoured fully. This is difficult to explain, but through my healing work, I have seen everyone has choices, that have consequences. Where you are now is not the whole story, more wisdom will unfold with each day, newly informing the future. Sometimes when we lose out, it can be a protection of sorts. Don't hold onto other people's pain, let them feel it fully. Take responsibility for your own pain, and feel it fully. Many grief books state this, to feel it all, and honour yourself. You have a right to feel the pain you are feeling. Don't let anyone take this away from you. The world is cyclic, and when things come back around for happiness, you will be clear and receptive. Wishing you good healing.
In ancient cultures, Jennifer and Nichol, women or men would be allowed to wail and moan, given space to vent their grief, until it is spent. Grief won't be ignored, so we might as well listen to our own. Everyone has grief, everyone will experience it. Increasingly now, modern thought agrees grief must be intelligently dealt with. I just want to thank you both for the gift of your thoughts, and wish you both peace and fulfillment.
(If any part of this isn't right, Nichol, just choose whatever fits at the time.)
Dear Jennifer and Moni,
Your responses have deeply touched me. Thank you so much for your soul-kind words and wise-heart bits of advice. It is the first time I have truly felt that I have been heard and accepted on this positive-filled Gaia site, even with my current feelings of grief /etc. (yes, there have actually been a couple of emails here telling me that I do not belong due to my not so positive emotions). I do not feel like I have to prove /justify feeling the way I currently do to you; thank you! This you know: I am not my feelings… but I do have them and they are mine to feel/honor, regardless of what they are. You have acknowledged that my grief is real, instead of invalidating it /me by telling me to just get over it. With you, I've been allowed to feel it in order to heal TO get over it. I'm trying to surround myself with positive light, such as here on Gaia. You have both been a major part of that light for me. I know I will heal, but in my own time and not when others tell me I should (the more they tell me what to do and in what time frame it should happen, the more I seem to resist/fight it, thus extending my healing time). Thank you for allowing me a positive healing space for me to finally see, thus get to my inner light more quickly.
Beyond expressible gratitude to you both,
Nichol
Nichol,
Don't let anyone ever take away your grief. You are right, we are not our feelings, but to deny them is not any more human. Be gentle and it's good to surround yourself with people who are being receptive. We can talk about sex and death in this culture now, but we're still a little iffy on grief. It's the ego that doesn't want to talk about grief, especially when we haven't had it touch us profoundly and wake us up.
There are some wonderful books out there about continuing bonds and newer healthier ideas about grief… I have some books listed on my page or the blog..
Whatever you do, just be you…. just be….
Blessings,
Jen
Peace to you, both.